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An open adoption: should it be your choice? |
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Sunday, 22 November 2009 |
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By Tanya Griggs
Special to the
Daily Times Leader Since the mid-1970’s, open adoptions have been widely accepted as more compassionate and enlightened than the secretive adoptions of a previous generation.
The confidentiality that once defined adoption is no longer the norm. The good news is that research has shown that children of open adoption have a better understanding of family dynamics. The choice to have an open adoption should be based on what is best for the child and not what is best for the parents or birthmother. The challenge we have faced at times is getting some friends and family to understand that open adoption is the best choice we have made for Neely.
Eleven years ago, Brian and I were matched with a birthmother in North Dakota. We looked forward to our Thursday night calls and often talked for hours. We established a relationship with Amanda before we even met in person. Some say that bonding can be difficult when a child is not biologically yours, in our case that was not true at all. We very proudly carried ultrasound pictures around of our baby girl. We held her in our hearts until we could hold her in our arms.
We arrived in North Dakota after a full day of travel to signs saying “It’s a Girl!”. Amanda’s parents made the signs after Neely Caradine decided to enter this world on our travel day instead of Monday when she was scheduled to appear! We could not wait to get to the hospital. We finally held in our arms who we had been holding in our hearts for months. On the video taken when she was born you can hear her Grandma Sandy saying “Hi, Neely Caradine, your mommy and daddy are going to be so excited when they get here.” They have always thought of us as her parents.
Amanda and Neely were released 24 hours later and due to it being a weekend, the judge could not grant us physical custody. We went to Amanda’s home that first night. She and her parents were wonderful to us. That night Neely slept between Brian and I. The next morning Amanda and I gave her a bath. We enjoyed this new baby we had all waited for and little did we know she would bring us together as family. From the very beginning, it was clear to us and her birth family what role we all played. We never felt as though they were watching out every move or invading out privacy as new parents. God planned that first night as it was the start of a wonderful thing, open adoption. Prior to us getting to North Dakota, we had all decided we would continue our Thursday night calls and pictures would be sent. Amanda and her family became our extended family. There has never been a moment that our roles have crossed. Amanda will very quickly tell you that I am Neely’s mother and Brian is her father. Amanda made the most unselfish decision anyone could make when she made an adoption plan for Neely.
Neely was referred to St Jude last year when she was though to have a diagnosis of Ewing’s Sarcoma. I left work to get to her on what seemed to be the longest drive of my life. Brian and I both called Amanda and her family. We received a call back that said everyone in the family was standing in line of Neely needed blood or anything else.
Open adoption is not for everyone. Every child deserves a loving home and an open adoption may not be the best decision. It was and is the best decision for Neely. A child can’t have too many people who love them. We feel blessed to have this extended family. We have met for vacation, visited each other’s homes and we email often. Brian and I have been blessed with parents and extended family who embraced the idea of adoption early. God had a plan for our family and Neely was it. I often say I am so glad I could not have biological children, I would not have her if so and I would do it all again to walk this path called life with our family.
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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 24 November 2009 )
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